I've decided

For some time now I've been wanting to tell Ellen DeGeneres about how big influence her person has on me.

I totally admire the fact that she is a woman, dislike wearing skirts and is a lesbian and at the same time she is totally successful and happily (I hope) married to the amazing Portia de Rossi - DeGeneres. And her show is not only amazing but funny and great and sooo popular!

So, not only is she my heroine, I've decided to follow in her footsteps and my new goal now is to appear in her show in America! Yes Ellen, beware, cause I'm going to one day sit on that chair and talk with You about stuff! Which means I've no idea what could we possibly talk about different than my hair color but there is something we will and I know we will talk about that still ambiguous something!

I had a dream part 1

If I were to be famous, and at one point I know I will - this is what I'm going to say:
There was a smart guy at one point in the history. And he had a dream. A dream of equality, that slowly is happening, and a dream of which I had a sequel.I believe that at one point I will wake up and see people, not harming one another and allowing everyone to be who they are and want to be.
I was born in 1987. My sex is male. And I am by means of color white. And for my whole life I have suffered a lot of unpleasetness due to the fact that I am gender ambiguous. And it's not to be mistaken with women who are transexual. It means that as I have no issues with my body (maybe with the few extra pounds I have, but other than that none) socially I cannot fit into what is considered to be male. Neither I want to do it. Because I want to stay true to the one that I am. But I also do not feel female. I just don't.
Now let me tell You something about the place I live in. Poland. It's a country that claims to be tollerant - where teachers cannot be gay and white are being superior to other colors. So called race.And I live in society that has a strict boundaries - what's male and female. What's proper and what's to be avoided. Or persecuted.
And I know that it's that society's fault -that pain and hardship I happen to face from time to time.
Now, because I am a big guy - and I am not strong. I hate carying heavy things and I HATE violence. I am a vegetarian and a bisexual, and what's more I keep dying my hair orangy-red and wear them long.And as much as it is okay to do those things in Poland - not if they are all mixed up together.
And now I'm gonna argue with a lot of issues on the basis of me and what I'm feeling.

I had a dream part 2

1. Race. When I watch movies with my friends we often comment on them, and who we think is hot and good looking. And more than 90% of the time I say that is the actor or the actress, as many people would say "of color". Like being white is not a color. Like they are something different.And I think hey, butterflies have many different colors on their wings and somehow they are still butterflies. And we're White, Black, Red, Yellow. We're Afro people, Indian people, Latino Asians and Whites. And I, subconsciously, keep judging "whites", keep judging myself - for all the pain we caused others, for all the fake superiority many whites feel, for having a ku klux clan and for changing everything we see into what we see fit. I like to think of myself as colorful - cause when I start thinking about myself as white I feel inferior. Because history shows how much we resorted to violence, to war, to strenght, to our animal instincts. But I'll talk about that later. And I think we're humans, we are a lil superior to animals in that we were given a brain, ability to think - and somehow with us it's still about survival of the fittest. And that's stupid. And that's low.And when I meet people (mostly outside Poland, because inside it's really difficult to find other races) I see no difference. Just a skin color, which is like clothes only more attached to us - but it's not who we really are. And everytime I meet a person that's rasist I feel like crying. Because that's something I cannot comprehend. Because that's one of the few things that I think is wrong.And I addmit I fell more easily for non-white people. But that's a matter of taste. Not of anything else. And I don't find caucasian people worse, they just don't appeal to me.And In my dream there was no distinction like that. It didn't matter what was a person's skin color. Because we were all humans. I don't think we all are yet.-------------------

I had a dream part 3

-2. Gender, sex relatedIn my dream there was a sex distinction, and it was writen on a birth certificate - born male, born female. But that meant only that someone had a penis or a vagina. No indications of being a man or a woman. No distinction other than primary gender characteristic - how will You pee in the future - to help the parents prepare.And people grew knowing that they can be anything.I love wearing my hair long, dying them fancy colors and wear colorful clothes. Violet, Pink, Orange, Yellow, Red, Green. Not that I don't occasionally wear black.I love listening to pop, pop-dance, rock, rock-dance, rnb-dance music. I love to sing and draw pictures. I love writing poetry.And although I see nothing wrong with a man wearing a dress - I feel no desire whatsoever to wear one. Simply because they don't appeal to me, and I find people (both male and female) more attractive in trousers. But that's my taste.And I hate when people aproach me, and they won't ask me whether I'm transvestite - no , all they ask is whether I wear dresses often. Sorry loverboy,I do not. And I won't since I don't like'em. But if someone likes'em why cannot he wear them? Like that really changes anything. Just please shave your legs if You do wear anything,including shorts, but I admit that this is only a matter of taste and hairly legs doesn't bother me that much - they would bother me in bed but I'd make sure I ain't dating anyone hairy.And I hate the assumption that I am gay. Well I get attracted, deeply and sexually to women too, can't really help it, so sorry. Although I admit that men tends to attract me easier but only because I find less incommon with'em. And in Poland gay world - which I know, trust me - is not a nice place to be in. They are almost all afraid that if they start talking to me people will find them "sissy" or "gay" which is funny coming from someone who is actually homosexual. Cause they all want to be straight acting. Kinda like polish feminism. Everyone wants to be men' equal - gay men, like they ain't or something, feminists - cause it's a men's world. Bullshit. It's ours, it's time we learned that. Men and women - that's a biological distinction, maybe somewhat more common in nature for males to be the tribes, packs whatever leaders- but females take care of the children - which is you think more imporant? They're all equally important.Now tell me - being straight, gay or bisexual - what's the difference? In my dream people wrote sexual prefferences when they grew up and were creating an I.D card for themselves. But they wrote that only to help them distinquish to whom they get attracted. For faster, easier matchmaking. That's all. It was, unlike today, only helping humans out. But then again. Humans. The creatures free of stereotypical thinking, prejudices and trully humanitarian.And maybe when that dream comes true we will be able to finally deal with the imporant things - like children, how much, 8 million homeless children in Africa - not to mention those in other countries. To help the poor. Oh, how noble right? How much did I do so far to help them? Everything - in my head- right now I'm busy fighting for survival, acknowledgement of my equality and a place in this world. And I feel so pathetic that I cannot do anything to help them.But I'm not working student at the moment and I live with my single mother who tries her best to help me out and I have my needs too You know? And I'm not ashamed of them. I don't believe we should make sacrifices - as long as we don't harm others - we can have everything we want. Poland is very christian, totally catholic country. And I believe religion is imporant - but I am not catholic. I am near wiccan/ a pagan. Cause I believe the world to be good and in a being that is and created everything. But nothing is perfect. I cannot believe that things can be perfect. And since I know only catholicism I can argue only with it. Who's to say that being gay is wrong? People who are repulsed by the idea of two men having sex? Well they are not going to have sex with You so what's the big deal. If I don't like Your face should it be also forbidden for you to go to heaven? Then You won't sugar. The idea that being gay is inferior, it's so sad it makes me wanna laugh. And cry. Cause it's so pathetic.Gays are wrong cause there's no procreating. Show me, really, show me a person that have sex to procreate. Only procreate, not to have orgasms or feel close to another person. Simply to procreate.We will go extinct. Really? And here I thought 8 billion or how much people there are, is not nearly close to extinction. I guess I was wrong, gee. And it's not like straight people always have children - there are those who don't want to. And it's not like gay people don't want them - there are those who do.Because God said so? Really? Well, unless You have it recorded, I refuse to believe You. It was a person who said that. By God's spirit? Hey, God said tome that It (since I believe that entintity neither male nor female) meant that it's wrong to cheat and be dishonest - and only mentioned the guy as a cheater. But It doesn't mean that it is homosexuality that's wrong. It told sorry and that it was an honest misunderstanding. Sorry, I don't have it really recorded either but it is true! (sorry to mock the faith of thousands of tollerant Christans, it's just I'm not mocking Your God at all, really, I'm mocking that stupid argument and the fact that the most people that claims to believe into a God of Love forbids and judge and hurt other people and it's really incomprehensible for me. How come? They should've think carefully what Love means.And I guess that not allowing gay people to marry is even more silly. I mean "we hate gay life style and it's promiscuity" who cares that countless single straights do the same thing, and who cares that marriage actually helps to tame the promiscuity a bit. No, cause it's an union between a man and a woman. So it's an institution only then? And here I thought it was about love. But if it's an institution isn't it against the law to make it inaccessible for everyone? One way or the other it just seems so silly. And those who are afraid that their marriage is going to be "endangered" and "less meaningful" if Gay people gets married. Hey, I guess that the frequency of the recent divorces is what deminishes the importance of marriage. Gay marriages would actually up the "meaningfullness" scale. But who cares. How come something that is not at all connected to something - like being gay to masculinity - or to marriage -may make people feel threatened by it? It's not like acknowledging the equality of gay people would make men less male. Feminine guyz like myself were always and always will be. Sorry dude.In my dream there was a time when I could say that I do feel more of a "housewife". And I'd love to stay at home and take care of the children. My children. With somebody.And when people tell me to change sex into female - sorry, I'm quite comfortable with my dick, thank You. It's society that made those "things" female - sorry. I don't feel the need to abide them. To follow them. To acknowledge them. Cause I am what I am - me.Like girls in movies that resort to guns by means of masculinity, cause it is a phalic weapon. Make a rounded pistol and let's see how well would it shoot. And here I thought that guns are used for protection or I don't know, to kill. Not to express a lack of penis and the masculinity. Phalic weapon. Gosh, who came up with that?? Freud I guess, that perv saw everything so sexually and how come feminists quote a guy who claims that female are worse cause they are a penisless males? The Idea of phalicness is downright stupid. I would be affraid to eat a banana if I would believe in it, cause I would be affraid of being accused of impure thoughts of canibalism. Since I would EAT IT. Not suck or something. Gosh. And here I thought I'm vegetarian.It's true that I won't ever wear a suit. I hate them.But nor will I wear heels - I won't gonna ask for death by walking on something as thick as my pinky. No way.As for female equality - I am all for it. Really, but most of the feminists I've met ain't aiming into equality - they're aiming into female overequality. Instead of fighting for allowing fathers - if they don't want to leave their jobs as mothers and don't really feel like taking care of the child that much - to take fathernity or whatever leaves. If a girl likes to wear a skimpy dress and still says that she is strong and independent -well, men go about without shirts and no one claims them being less independent. Woman can be feminine and still be equal. Man can be feminine and still be equal.Guyz and girls can be masculine and still be equal.And when it goes for adoption. It is true that it's better for the many many parentless children to have no parents. No. Having two same sex parents it's just not the same. Cause they would love their adoptees not enough. Or even worse - make their child homosexual too. Pff.Please. Countless research conducted shows that you need some extremes to change sexuality - like child abusing or such. Parenting love - that would only show that LOVE is LOVE, no matter to or between whom. People born straight, gay or bisexual are just continue to be straight, bi or gay. Can't really change that. And many of those who feel the need to hide their true selves would finally be relieved of that burden. And what burden it must be. I was raised by a single living mother - sourrounded by my sister who is not so happily married to a guy , and I have been having contact with many male figures. My mother never dated. I mean she has a man. But I never saw any dating. And from what I've seen for myself many men are brutal and vulgar. And I hate that. And still, somehow I am attracted to them.And I am also attracted to women. How come?------------------------------------------------------But the worst part yet is that I believe that dream to come true. A dream of equality. When a person will be free to make choices. Free to love, live, breathe. And when people will be humans. Where I will be able to dress with a pink shirt and violet sweater with black stripes, and have my hair dyed orange and when some people would say that they don't like it. But I won't be judged by that and be free to live as a person. No one is saying that that person would have to sleep with me. Even talk to me. But I'll be allowed to be myself.And maybe then we will be focusing our attention on some real diseases, like Hiv, cancer, other various ones - and not trying find a miraculous cure for something there's nothing wrong with. Like sexual prefferences.

I have finally set it all up

And I can now start posting. Yay.

Older blog.

Before I've switched here I did blog on a polish site.
Check it out if You wish, tho it is not only in English, plenty of posts in Polish too.

But then again, I am Polish.


www.rogue.blog.pl